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B.C. Bill

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Released: 1984

Genre: Adventure

Format reviewed: ZX Spectrum

Publisher: Imagine

Developer: Imagine

Submitted by: Ian Marks

B.C. Bill was a game about a caveman. Cavemen were big in the 1980’s, there was Captain Caveman and… well there was Captain Caveman anyway, and he was popular. Imagine were always one to try and ride the zeitgeist, and they wrote a game about a stone age man. Rumour is they wrote it as a rejected type in listing, but we won’t dwell on that, it could still have been a great game.

Sadly it wasn’t a great game, nor a good game, nor an average game, it was an exceedingly poor game.

Firstly Imagine missed the most important aspect of Captain Caveman’s popularity, the fact that he lived with three sexy ladies (in a van). To be fair it was B.C. Bill’s aim to live with some ladies, but they were far from sexy. The sprites that made up the women made them look more like Biffa Bacon’s mum from Viz.

Despite their aesthetic problems, Bill still wanted to woo these females. Well by woo, he hit them on the head with a club, and dragged them back to his cave. Nowadays this sort of thing is frowned upon, political correctness gone mad and all. Anyway he could whack any number of women on the head, and pull them into his lair… actually reading that it makes it sound more like Bill was a serial killer than anything else.

The only thing stopping Bill from acquiring all these women, was some snakes, a very poor T-Rex graphic, and what looked like some flames. Eventually the whole screen fills up with tatty graphics, and it becomes a colour clash hell, making it really hard to see what is going on. The game also speeds up, with migraine inducing flicker becoming the order of the day.

Bill’s ultimate aim is to have lots of kids with these women, and these are tastefully logged at the bottom of the screen.

If you think I dislike this game because of its rather weird premise then you are wrong. Play the game and you’ll see that I dislike it because it’s simply dreadful. There are almost no redeeming features – the volcanoes in the background are fairly well animated, if you must have a good point – and you’ll play it for far less time than it took to load the game in the first place.

If you really need a caveman fix, stick to the Captain. At least he had it right, I never saw an episode where he hit his foxy ladies on the head… Zowie Cavey! That wouldn’t have been right somehow.