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Toilet Kids

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Released: 1992

Genre: Shoot-’em-up

Format reviewed: PC Eng/Turbografx-16

Publisher: Media Rings Corp.

Developer: Media Rings Corp.

Submitted by: Lee Tatlock

There are some things in this life that truly seem to belie reality: paranormal occurrences, UFO’s, bigfoot and finally the subject of our review here today, namely, Toilet Kids. Not only does this game cause such head shaking , slack jawed, disbelief that it can’t possibly have been made, but it also causes you to seriously modify your vernacular when you’re talking about it to anyone except your closest friends. So in this here review I will be digging deep to find suitable replacements for a lot of naughty words for fear that this review will simply be deleted before it reaches you eyeballs…although perhaps that would be for the best.

Running along the same lines a Pop n’ Twinbee this cartoony shooter allows you to blast away at airborne enemies and carpet bomb the gravitationally challenged beasties mooching around on terra firma  below you. The big difference between this and the Twinbee is that this is full of cack – literally this games whole premise is based around the things that float around in the dark recesses of your toilet bowl. It sounds completely ludicrous that any games developer would believe that this could ever be a total cash pot – instead it turns out to be a total crock.

Enemies are mostly freshly moulded from the brown stuff and include such scatological oddities as turtles with curly brown shells – turdles if you will, spiders with huge rear ends that fire nuggets of stinky, sweetcorn-studded, matter straight at your little guy who seems to be a kid who has been fired off his bog atop a jet of water straight into a nightmarish dimension of creatures from the black latrine. Unbelievable but there it is stinking up the mostly inoffensive collection of games that fill the shelves of the Turbographx library.

Now many of us could forgive this game for its rancid content if A.) We were all five and a barrage of toilet humour would literally send us screaming with ruptured funny bones to the A&E, or B.) It weren’t so utterly boring and hideous to play. So assuming we’re all old enough not to be tickled by this dross I’ll continue with its faults. Firstly there is very little in the way of power ups then there are the totally uninspired levels, now even I have to admit that it would take me more time than I care to contemplate to come up with the plethora of potty inspired creatures that feature in this rancid bum nut but the backgrounds, though bold and colourful, are just plain yawn inducing. Next up is the music, it’s just dull – not one toe tapper in earshot. I really can’t stress how total bog standard (pun intended) and dull this beyond basic shooter actually is.

So unless you enjoy having pee squirted at you by flying junk monsters (and I am aware there is a market for such things) or being shot at by ass-spiders then Steer clear of this. Even hunters of the obscure will be washing their hands of this sharpish – for more reasons that one.

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